Sadist

I am cold,
Even when I burn;
I am heartless,
Even in my heartache.
It's not your fault,
But I make you think it is.
In this twisted mind of mine,
I want to hurt you
Like you hurt me,
Even though you didn't mean to.
How could I let myself go so far?

When I show you the scars on my arms,
And see the pain in your face,
It gives me this sick satisfaction;
When I tell you I want to die,
And your voice breaks,
The sadist in me laughs.
When I cry in front of you,
And your aching eyes plead with me,
Then I know what I'm doing to you,
And I love it--
Almost as much as I love you.
You feel so helpless--
You want to protect me.
But you can't save me from myself.
Who is that girl I see reflected in your tears?

I don' t even know why I do this,
Like I'm trying to make you pay
For what you can't control.
You say it's all your fault,
And I don't deny it.
You say you feel like you're the one cutting me,
And I let you believe it.
You're falling apart because of me,
And I stand by and watch.
You'd always be there for me if you could,
But I act like it's not enough.
When did I go so wrong?

Get down on your knees and repent
For all the things I've brought on myself;
Drive yourself insane
Trying to cure my own insanity.
Sacrifice your life
For your suicidal lover.
Why am I so hardened?

I guess I expect perfection,
And I'm trying to beat it into you.
I'm looking for a hero
When I had one all along.
I'm hurting the one who loves me most,
And you bow your head and let me.
Where did this cruelty come from?

I'm a monster,
Tearing you to pieces,
Feeding on your pain,
Just to sate my own hunger.
I'm a murderer,
Slashing and stabbing,
Strangling and torturing,
For my own gratification.
I'm so sick.
A fevered mind,
A lacerated heart,
A serpent's tongue.
I love you so much,
Need you so much,
Hurt you so much.
What have I become?